My mind runs away to you

      So its been a while I know but I really needed to write today and talk about something that has stayed with me for a while now and that is depression and anxiety it has varied in how much it has effected me through the years and I know without a doubt that it has affected me the most in the last year of my life the most!
       I guess it became most apparent to me when my dad did pass away when I was 18 and I really didn't want to do much in my life and now that I have accomplished a goal that I never though I would in my life, I really want it back in my life! I recognize that It hasn't even been a week sense I graduated and I really do miss a lot of it in my life already!
       There is so much that i am excited to be done with for now like homework and looking up classes and staying up till midnight to make sure I can get the classes that I wanted to take and  for goodness sakes trying to find parking places in a parking lot that is absolutely craziness driving through but getting to see good friends and co workers and bosses at school everyday was nice and going to not just my classes on campus but going to institute classes and being on institute council this past year was seriously something that I will truly remember forever, I grow constantly in my life from all that I was able to do with the people that became like family to me.
       I know this post is more for me to remember the good times I had this last year in my life and many many other amazing moments and friends that I have made on my collage career not just at uvu but also usu  as well and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I guess the question that I really have had on my mind lately the most is Now What?
       people I have been around have asked me this very question and I really do have a direction i want to go in now but it takes time and serious preparation to know if this is what is supposed to happen in my life. Yes this causes me more anxiety then I want to have in my life and has for longer then I want to admit as well, but it is also one of the most exciting and exhilarating feelings that I could ever have in my life right now!
      For now, I will just keep smiling and keep laughing this infectious laugh that I have and keep going after dreams that I have and keep trying to figure out what adventures life will lead me in to take in my life and still continue to grow and learn all that I can along the way. I just hope that I can do it all with a more consistent sleep schedule in my life:) and more of the peace I feel when I am surrounded by my best friend and brother Jesus Christ in my thoughts and actions!

The love for his child

Hey Y'all, Its Anna here coming at ya with another post you most likely wont finish reading:) just kidding! I really don't care who read's these, simply because there normally random thoughts running through my head that probably only make sense to me!!! However today was my amazing and wonderful cousin Allie's Homecoming today and let me tell ya how much I love this girl! She has been a rock in my life that will never ever move:) Thank Goodness for amazing examples of hard work, dedication, love, kindness, firm testimony, Happily Enduring through tough trials and beautiful daughter's of god in my life and in my family right! She has gone through a lot and yet she still smiles, she still continues forward and she does it with a huge heart and beautiful from the inside out! I cannot fully express how much love I have for this cousin of mine and I can't wait to see where she is headed to next in her life:)
 Other thoughts in my head as of lately are, I have felt kinda misunderstood a little bit and the only person that can truly heal my heart is me and my brother Jesus Christ, why you might ask? Because he already has! He came too this earth thousands of years ago to live and set the perfect example of a perfect life and it was through his endless love that he did just that and with perfect grace and virtue for each person he not only came in contact with but with those who didn't really meet him or see him the way that he really is and that is perfect! He loves each one of us so deeply that he made the unthinkable for each one of us, he gave away his comfort, his life and his own natural man tendencies he may once have had to bear each of our pain's afflictions and temptations for each one of us in a few hours of his life! He was then physically beaten and killed by children of god that had no idea what he had just done for them and made possible to repent! I am grateful for my heavenly father and by beloved brother, best teammate, Savior, and Brother who made it even possible for me to take the steps he has taught me and repent of the sin's that I have made mistakes I have made and turn me into the beautiful daughter of god that he has always seen in me!
   I am grateful for the eternal blessings of god's one and true gospel on this earth today and the blessings that learning each new principle has brought into my life! It is incredible the Truth and the light and the love that god has for each one of his children and the way he show's it to me in my life! When I have been feeling so compleatly alone in my life I literally feel as though the only one that really can  and will bring me to feel happiness and love in my life is my best friend and brother Jesus Christ and I literally just have to grab hold and know that his hand is stretched out still! I love my Heavenly Father, my Brother Jesus Christ and The absolutely incredible children of god he has placed in my life at this particular moment in time! Happy Sabbath Y'all!

Blessings Always
Anna Wilder

MLK Day

    It started on the first day I remembered getting the day off school in elementary school, I distinctly remember asking my teacher on friday afternoon, why we all didn't have school on monday and she took the opportunity to tell us about martin luther king jr and how he stood up for freedom! 

   As I was watching the new movie that just came out about Martin Luther King Jr called Selma I knew how 

much I wanted to see this movie and as I was watching it with my good friend the other day I couldn't help 

but notice how wise he was portrayed in this movie! He taught with conviction and power that was so kind 

and understanding of the freedoms that we all should have in our lives and he did it without retaliation towards 

any of the individuals who did commit any of the horrible crimes of hate and murderings of all those who stood 

up for the freedoms that everyone else was given! 

    I am and will be forever grateful for the blessings that Martin Luther King Jr stood up for and the people 

who I have been able to learn from and love when he lead the civil rights movement with love and wisdom and 

true leadership! He is an amazing human being who helped change the course of history for the better. 

   I am grateful for the blessing of coming to know the good people of Alabama and serve in montgomery where 

so many of the civil rights movements took place and know that although we have so much more to improve in

bringing about the freedoms that we all are searching for in each of our lives I am grateful for the amazing and 

Beautiful people I have had the privilege to meet and learn from their experiences in the civil rights movement

 I hope y'all have had a wonderful day and are enjoying the freedoms that we all have in our lives each day! 

   

New Year, New Beginnings:)!!!

On this 5th day of a new year, I am in the mood to write!!! One of my favorite things in life is writing:) I am able to say what I want to say and express what I am truly feeling in my life here and my only concern about it is if I am going to be able to express exactly what I feel without compleatly boring all of you!!!
         
  Here are my current thoughts in life though!
   1. I am starting this spring semester of my Jr Year of my undergraduate work and I am excited for my classes I am taking this next semester. I am taking a family financial resources class and although I haven't actually been to the class just yet ( all my classes happen on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this semester!) I am excited to learn more about skills that can help me in my everyday life right now and for the future! I am also taking family education methodology class to help my writing even more! there are many other classes that I am excited to take this next semester but the point of me writing about any of these classes to you is because I have been asked on multiple occasions what I will do with this major or what I am doing with my life right now and I want them to know that yes this bachelors degree may seem to them as just a sad excuse to be a glorified mom someday! What can I do with that right now, right? when I'm currently not married, not dating anyone seriously or even focusing on being a mother for a few more years right! Well my explanation to all of them is these are classes and valuable skills for anyone at any age and can open doors to all different job opportunities in my life whether I ever get married and have a family here on this earth:) This major open's so many opportunities for me to become the best me and do what I love and that is an incredible gift to have in my life. I have discovered more about my self in the last year taking courses for this major  then I ever have throughout my entire life! It has been a great adventure and more life changing for me than I ever thought it could be!
2. Another thought on these feelings in my life is God Is Good! Yes I am getting all spiritual here! Life is always changing and it is our responsibility to make the most of it for ourselves and ourselves only:) This is easier said then done and I will be the first to admit that! my six grade teacher always told me " Life is Hard and then you Die!" I think that was probably one of the best things I have ever learned from a teacher in my life thus far! It is the saying that keeps teaching me and I love that feeling because it is universal and apply's to so much that we do in between everything that we can decide for our lives! I have been really blessed to have so many opportunities to grow and learn from my triles that I have experienced in my life and grow into the daughter of god that I know I am and the love and peace that comes with that knowledge. I know that there is a god and that he has created this beautiful earth that we live in and he made it possible for me to have come to this earth during the perfect time and feel the love that he has for each one of us! I am grateful for my brother Jesus Christ who gave me the ability to have the greatest and hardest gift I have been given in this life and that is Agency and the ability to choose EVERYTHING that I do, say, act on and love in my life! God really is real and he has made it possible for me to do good and make my life the life that I choose!
3. I have been making changes for me and figuring out what it is that I want to accomplish in my life! I love to learn so that Is why I am in school getting a degree that will help bless me forever in what ever I choose to do in my life and It is wonderful! I am also currently loving going out and serving in so many different places around my community! Its so fun and provides even more knowledge for me to experience and decide what I really do love and what I can do in this life! Some other hobbies i am currently loving is looking up new recipes to cook and actually improve my cooking skills! I love too cook, however I have never had a lot of experience with it so that is something I want to explore in my life more! I won't boar you to much longer here but I really just wanted to express more of me and express more of my love for so much in this amazing life that we have each been given!    

Please hear what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by this mask that I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks and none of them are really me.

Masks that I'm too afraid to take off, fearing that you'll get to know me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.

I'm pretending that I am in command and that I need no one.

That I'm cool and that my surface is so smooth and I cannot be shaken by anything.

I act as if I am in control, but please don't for one moment be fooled by my surface, that's only

my mask.

Beneath this mask lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath this mask dwells the real me in confusion, loneliness, and fear.

But I don't dare tell you that.

I don't dare tell you that this is my mask.

I'm frightened by all the possibilities of my weaknesses being exposed.

I think about it all the time. Will I look like a fool?

That's why I work frantically to create this mask to hide behind in my relationship with people.

This nonchalant, sophisticated facade helps me pretend and shields me from the glance that

knows me.

But such a glance is precisely my only salvation.

It's my only salvation if, however, the glance is followed by acceptance and love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison...from the

barriers that I have so painstakingly created.

It is only that glance that will assure me of what I cannot assure in myself and, that is, that I am

really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be

followed by acceptance and love.

I'm afraid that you'll think less of me...that you'll laugh and that your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I am nothing. That I'm just no good and soon you're going to find out

and you'll no longer love me...that you'll reject me.

So I play my game. My desperate, pretending game with the facades of assurance from without

and that of a trembling little child from within.

And my life becomes a front.

And I idly chatter to you in suave tones about anything that really means nothing.

And yet I can never tell about the crying inside of me...of my greatest hurts...of my deepest

fears...my concerns.

I can't tell you that because I am afraid.

So please listen carefully not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying.To what I'd like to be able to say. And for what my very own survival I need to say.

I dislike this hiding...honestly.

I dislike this phony, superficial game I'm playing.

I really would like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.

But you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand.

You've got to hold out your hand even when it appears to you that it's the last thing I want from

you, because I am going to share a secret with you about myself;

the moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

The moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

Don't be fooled by this mask. When you see anger in this mask, don't be fooled for one

second...that's not anger, that's hurt.

The mask of anger is easier to show than the mask of hurt.

And if we make the error of looking at people's masks only to see anger on their face, we may

end up in a confrontation only because we missed the point.

You have the power to wipe away this blank stare of the "breathing dead" beneath this mask.

It will not be easy for you.

Long felt hurts make my masks endure. The nearer you approach me the harder I may strike

back.

Irrationally, I fight against the very thing that I cry out for - my identity.

You may wonder who I am. You shouldn't.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

I am someone you know very well.

I am every man and woman and child.

I am you.

http://youtu.be/O2QapGlQOFM

Documentary

     For one of my photo assignments that I was assigned to do I needed to do a documentary on something that was kind of personal for me in my life and I decided that I needed to write about depression and anxiety so now I want to share the final project here. I hope y'all enjoy.

Anxiety and Depression

            On July fourth two thousand and eight I woke up to at least ten men who were stomping down the hallway of my home right next to my bedroom at about 6:45 am. When they came to a hold in there stomping I panicked and sat up in my bed. I said to myself there is nothing wrong I just was dreaming or something and I went back to bed.

            Within less than five minutes after I heard them the first time, I heard them again come down the hallway and I snuggled up to my blanket even more so. I waited until my mom came in my room crying, as I sat up on my bed and she sat down and said “Anna, your dad is not breathing.”

            There is not a more terrifying thought then to here that one of your parents is not ok and you could lose them in this life. This proceeded by me not comprehending every choice I had to act on that followed. I immediately had to think about the responsibilities that I already planned for that day and call them right after my mom told me all of this. For the record that is not what I had in mind for the most patriotic day of every year for our wonderful country we live in.

            My relationship with my dad was not the strongest father/daughter relationship in the world. I will fully admit to that. However, I really was not in a time in my life where I could emotionally or physically handle that many questions or conflicts come to a Holt with this. When I was in the hospital with my mom and other family, waiting to hear back from the doctor’s, I just remembering everyone else talking and I felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences where there would be nothing that could prepare me for what I was about to here, Ever. Then the doctor came into our room, he said the stereotypical things that doctors say to cover themselves and their jobs. Then he said it. “He didn't make it!”    I developed what we most commonly refer to as Anxiety witch then took a turn into depression over the next 9 months. Let me preface this though by saying I still have thoughts of depression and anxiety, it doesn't completely go away. I was just more readily able to seek specific help when I needed it most. I knew my purpose in feeling at peace again with who I was and the importance on where I needed to go threw out most of the process. I just physically couldn't find the strength to get up and do it. These feelings of doubt on what is most important to you anymore do change completely.

            Ever sense this happened I developed debilitating triggers inside, they felt like they came out of no were. They were actually mental side effects of what I heard that morning. Service men became fearful to me after this. Along with ambulances and police lights and fire trucks. They still send me through a big loop of fear every time I see them. Driving is still debilitating to me and especially at night time. I couldn't even talk to my mom about it, fearing that she wouldn't completely understand what I was really feeling. It hasn't been till now, 6 years later that I really can even talk about it like this and not get completely choked up about it all. The thoughts and the actions that come from something like this can and does effect someone’s well being more than I ever knew it would and why I feel this strong need to bring awareness to the harsh reality that anxiety and depression are in many different situations and in many different lives. This is not something anyone can imagine developing. It is not a one pill fix all type of deal, It is real and it is physically and emotionally debilitating to anyone who has it and it happens when you least expect it. There is hope though and there are ways to manage it and there are more people than even I realized that have it. I don’t know if someone else has felt the way I have about it because I haven’t met anyone willing to open up that deeply about it, However, I have met some of the best people ever for me; they have really listened to me and have helped me realize that it is a process and it does get better.

            I know this paper only needed to be half of the words I actually put down. However, I felt I needed to explain it with more words in order to convey how real this disease can become. I know it is not the same for anyone else simply because my dad had panic attacks and depression ever sense he came back from being in the Army and serving in the Vietnam War. He worked hard and served his country faithfully. He ended up paying the price of these debilitating feelings in his life and it wasn't till he passed away that I realized how much it affected him to go through it. There are different types of anxiety and depression out there I just felt that this is how it felt for me and if you do have any other questions please feel free to come talk to me more.  

       

Thoughts in my crazy mind:)

Things that have been going thru this tiny crazy head of mine as of lately!!!

1. I for sure think I have the best friends and family in the world and yes I am biased but they totally made my birthday compleat and full of everything I wanted in my birthday as I get a little older and hopefully wiser:)!!!

2. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of gaining a higher education right now in my life. I have honestly had my set backs and downfalls through the process but now I am just truly grateful for the blessing that I have to learn how to become the best me that I can be.

3. I am eternally grateful for my brother Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father and their teachings that are in my life today. I am also eternally grateful for the many many opportunities they provide in my life to learn and relearn the truths that they have  made possible for me to learn throughout my life on this earth and forever.

4. I am truly grateful for cooking! I know this may be a strange thing to be grateful for but I just love every aspect of cooking and serving others with that cooking:) I also enjoy other forms of service but if I am in need of anything my self or just want to make something better, cooking seem's to do the trick:)

5. I am grateful for music, I pretty much love it all except for a few select few genres:) Just look on my phone and you will see what I mean:)

6. I am excited for my future and whatever may come. The adventures that will happen and the trials I know I will be able to overcome!!! The Blessings that will be a result of all of this and the people that will become a part of my life. Its amazing the blessings that he is so excited to bring to us when we faithfully put our heart and trust completely in him and his will!!!

I love y'all and hope y'all have a great day now:)