Saturday, April 28, 2012

The Things We Do for Love

I Just completed my first semester back after my mission and to be honest, it has been bittersweet. I may just continue my higher education forever because as much as I would love to be done. When I do it, I feel best about myself. Especially about the work I was able to accomplish. Most the time though. I feel like i'm not doing enough or I'm not good enough to accomplish the work that is required of me to do. I took my last and final math class as far as I know because my major for special education does not require any further information then math 1050. I always enjoyed math before hand because it was strait forward and to the point about numbers that for some odd reason gave me structure in my life. This semester though, I let my teacher and my surroundings get to me and the tension of being done got to me so all though there were some mishap's and mistakes I learned that hard work is the key. When you get frustrated at your teacher who has a heavy germane accent telling you  "you have to do the work."  all you can think to tell him is "I am doing the work the only way I have been taught, professor." then it gets a little tense on test. I have never done well on test before. That is why I have had to go from the beginning and work a little harder then some other's. Its has made it harder to be the honest true individual that I have always strived  to be, its what I want in my life most. To have so many insecurities in your life and be comfortable with it is a lot harder then it seems. As I went through the class though; I was able to find good people. Who could really help me understand the concepts and the principles. It was when I did the best I ever have on a math test, I got a 90 on it. People still made me feel so insecure about it because more then half the class got a hundred percent. Then to have my teacher call me out in front of all of them saying I was by far the most improved student when my teacher proceeded to say about me "she almost has an A in the class." well that just killed me it was my biggest down fall and it was the class before the final. I was mortified that he would say that to any one except me. And where did it get me?  I totally choked on the final. This post probably seems very negative and poor me right well it kind of is but I am writing this because writing seems to be the only way for me to get things out and this has a point in the grand scheme of my life as well. One of my goal's for life is to become a teacher. I never understood what it took to be a teacher especially a special education teacher as I still don't but am gaining more of an understanding of it as I have worked with these individual's for years now and It is just now clicking to me that It takes a lot to be the type of teacher, mentor, friend, person that I want to become and that takes hard work and patients in our lives because we may say patients is not our virtue but it is a part of our lives wither we want it to be or not. So if i'm not willing to go through my struggles, my insecurities and do the things that will get me there; then I don't deserve to be a teacher to those kids. If I'm willing to bend the rules or not be exactly obedient to the principles I have learned to be true;  I cannot become the teacher, mother, individual that I want to be in my life. I just saw this picture on my facebook from a dear sweet lady whom I love. and I thought it was perfect for this. Have a great summer I will be talking to y'all soon again.