Anxiety and Depression
On July fourth two thousand and eight I woke up to at least ten men who were stomping down the hallway of my home right next to my bedroom at about 6:45 am. When they came to a hold in there stomping I panicked and sat up in my bed. I said to myself there is nothing wrong I just was dreaming or something and I went back to bed.
Within less than five minutes after I heard them the first time, I heard them again come down the hallway and I snuggled up to my blanket even more so. I waited until my mom came in my room crying, as I sat up on my bed and she sat down and said “Anna, your dad is not breathing.”
There is not a more terrifying thought then to here that one of your parents is not ok and you could lose them in this life. This proceeded by me not comprehending every choice I had to act on that followed. I immediately had to think about the responsibilities that I already planned for that day and call them right after my mom told me all of this. For the record that is not what I had in mind for the most patriotic day of every year for our wonderful country we live in.
My relationship with my dad was not the strongest father/daughter relationship in the world. I will fully admit to that. However, I really was not in a time in my life where I could emotionally or physically handle that many questions or conflicts come to a Holt with this. When I was in the hospital with my mom and other family, waiting to hear back from the doctor’s, I just remembering everyone else talking and I felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences where there would be nothing that could prepare me for what I was about to here, Ever. Then the doctor came into our room, he said the stereotypical things that doctors say to cover themselves and their jobs. Then he said it. “He didn't make it!” I developed what we most commonly refer to as Anxiety witch then took a turn into depression over the next 9 months. Let me preface this though by saying I still have thoughts of depression and anxiety, it doesn't completely go away. I was just more readily able to seek specific help when I needed it most. I knew my purpose in feeling at peace again with who I was and the importance on where I needed to go threw out most of the process. I just physically couldn't find the strength to get up and do it. These feelings of doubt on what is most important to you anymore do change completely.
Ever sense this happened I developed debilitating triggers inside, they felt like they came out of no were. They were actually mental side effects of what I heard that morning. Service men became fearful to me after this. Along with ambulances and police lights and fire trucks. They still send me through a big loop of fear every time I see them. Driving is still debilitating to me and especially at night time. I couldn't even talk to my mom about it, fearing that she wouldn't completely understand what I was really feeling. It hasn't been till now, 6 years later that I really can even talk about it like this and not get completely choked up about it all. The thoughts and the actions that come from something like this can and does effect someone’s well being more than I ever knew it would and why I feel this strong need to bring awareness to the harsh reality that anxiety and depression are in many different situations and in many different lives. This is not something anyone can imagine developing. It is not a one pill fix all type of deal, It is real and it is physically and emotionally debilitating to anyone who has it and it happens when you least expect it. There is hope though and there are ways to manage it and there are more people than even I realized that have it. I don’t know if someone else has felt the way I have about it because I haven’t met anyone willing to open up that deeply about it, However, I have met some of the best people ever for me; they have really listened to me and have helped me realize that it is a process and it does get better.
I know this paper only needed to be half of the words I actually put down. However, I felt I needed to explain it with more words in order to convey how real this disease can become. I know it is not the same for anyone else simply because my dad had panic attacks and depression ever sense he came back from being in the Army and serving in the Vietnam War. He worked hard and served his country faithfully. He ended up paying the price of these debilitating feelings in his life and it wasn't till he passed away that I realized how much it affected him to go through it. There are different types of anxiety and depression out there I just felt that this is how it felt for me and if you do have any other questions please feel free to come talk to me more.