Anxiety and Depression
On July fourth two thousand and
eight I woke up to at least ten men who were stomping down the hallway of my
home right next to my bedroom at about 6:45 am. When they came to a hold in
there stomping I panicked and sat up in my bed. I said to myself there is
nothing wrong I just was dreaming or something and I went back to bed.
Within less than five minutes after
I heard them the first time, I heard them again come down the hallway and I
snuggled up to my blanket even more so. I waited until my mom came in my room
crying, as I sat up on my bed and she sat down and said “Anna, your dad is not breathing.”
There is not a more terrifying
thought then to here that one of your parents is not ok and you could lose them
in this life. This proceeded by me not comprehending every choice I had to act
on that followed. I immediately had to think about the responsibilities that I
already planned for that day and call them right after my mom told me all of
this. For the record that is not what I had in mind for the most patriotic day
of every year for our wonderful country we live in.
My relationship with my dad was not
the strongest father/daughter relationship in the world. I will fully admit to
that. However, I really was not in a time in my life where I could emotionally
or physically handle that many questions or conflicts come to a Holt with this.
When I was in the hospital with my mom and other family, waiting to hear back
from the doctor’s, I just remembering everyone else talking and I felt like I
was having one of those out of body experiences where there would be nothing
that could prepare me for what I was about to here, Ever. Then the doctor came
into our room, he said the stereotypical things that doctors say to cover themselves
and their jobs. Then he said it. “He didn't make it!” I
developed what we most commonly refer to as Anxiety witch then took a turn into
depression over the next 9 months. Let me preface this though by saying I still
have thoughts of depression and anxiety, it doesn't completely go away. I was
just more readily able to seek specific help when I needed it most. I knew my
purpose in feeling at peace again with who I was and the importance on where I
needed to go threw out most of the process. I just physically couldn't find the strength to get up and do it. These feelings of doubt on what is most important
to you anymore do change completely.
Ever sense this happened I developed
debilitating triggers inside, they felt like they came out of no were. They
were actually mental side effects of what I heard that morning. Service men
became fearful to me after this. Along with ambulances and police lights and
fire trucks. They still send me through a big loop of fear every time I see
them. Driving is still debilitating to me and especially at night time. I couldn't even talk to my mom about it, fearing that she wouldn't completely
understand what I was really feeling. It hasn't been till now, 6 years later
that I really can even talk about it like this and not get completely choked up
about it all. The thoughts and the actions that come from something like this
can and does effect someone’s well being more than I ever knew it would and why
I feel this strong need to bring awareness to the harsh reality that anxiety
and depression are in many different situations and in many different lives.
This is not something anyone can imagine developing. It is not a one pill fix
all type of deal, It is real and it is physically and emotionally debilitating
to anyone who has it and it happens when you least expect it. There is hope
though and there are ways to manage it and there are more people than even I
realized that have it. I don’t know if someone else has felt the way I have
about it because I haven’t met anyone willing to open up that deeply about it,
However, I have met some of the best people ever for me; they have really
listened to me and have helped me realize that it is a process and it does get
better.
I know this paper only needed to be
half of the words I actually put down. However, I felt I needed to explain it
with more words in order to convey how real this disease can become. I know it
is not the same for anyone else simply because my dad had panic attacks and
depression ever sense he came back from being in the Army and serving in the
Vietnam War. He worked hard and served his country faithfully. He ended up
paying the price of these debilitating feelings in his life and it wasn't till he passed away that I realized how much it affected him to go through it. There
are different types of anxiety and depression out there I just felt that this
is how it felt for me and if you do have any other questions please feel free
to come talk to me more.
