Please hear what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by this mask that I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks and none of them are really me.

Masks that I'm too afraid to take off, fearing that you'll get to know me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.

I'm pretending that I am in command and that I need no one.

That I'm cool and that my surface is so smooth and I cannot be shaken by anything.

I act as if I am in control, but please don't for one moment be fooled by my surface, that's only

my mask.

Beneath this mask lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath this mask dwells the real me in confusion, loneliness, and fear.

But I don't dare tell you that.

I don't dare tell you that this is my mask.

I'm frightened by all the possibilities of my weaknesses being exposed.

I think about it all the time. Will I look like a fool?

That's why I work frantically to create this mask to hide behind in my relationship with people.

This nonchalant, sophisticated facade helps me pretend and shields me from the glance that

knows me.

But such a glance is precisely my only salvation.

It's my only salvation if, however, the glance is followed by acceptance and love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison...from the

barriers that I have so painstakingly created.

It is only that glance that will assure me of what I cannot assure in myself and, that is, that I am

really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be

followed by acceptance and love.

I'm afraid that you'll think less of me...that you'll laugh and that your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I am nothing. That I'm just no good and soon you're going to find out

and you'll no longer love me...that you'll reject me.

So I play my game. My desperate, pretending game with the facades of assurance from without

and that of a trembling little child from within.

And my life becomes a front.

And I idly chatter to you in suave tones about anything that really means nothing.

And yet I can never tell about the crying inside of me...of my greatest hurts...of my deepest

fears...my concerns.

I can't tell you that because I am afraid.

So please listen carefully not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying.To what I'd like to be able to say. And for what my very own survival I need to say.

I dislike this hiding...honestly.

I dislike this phony, superficial game I'm playing.

I really would like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.

But you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand.

You've got to hold out your hand even when it appears to you that it's the last thing I want from

you, because I am going to share a secret with you about myself;

the moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

The moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

Don't be fooled by this mask. When you see anger in this mask, don't be fooled for one

second...that's not anger, that's hurt.

The mask of anger is easier to show than the mask of hurt.

And if we make the error of looking at people's masks only to see anger on their face, we may

end up in a confrontation only because we missed the point.

You have the power to wipe away this blank stare of the "breathing dead" beneath this mask.

It will not be easy for you.

Long felt hurts make my masks endure. The nearer you approach me the harder I may strike

back.

Irrationally, I fight against the very thing that I cry out for - my identity.

You may wonder who I am. You shouldn't.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

I am someone you know very well.

I am every man and woman and child.

I am you.

http://youtu.be/O2QapGlQOFM

Documentary

     For one of my photo assignments that I was assigned to do I needed to do a documentary on something that was kind of personal for me in my life and I decided that I needed to write about depression and anxiety so now I want to share the final project here. I hope y'all enjoy.

Anxiety and Depression

            On July fourth two thousand and eight I woke up to at least ten men who were stomping down the hallway of my home right next to my bedroom at about 6:45 am. When they came to a hold in there stomping I panicked and sat up in my bed. I said to myself there is nothing wrong I just was dreaming or something and I went back to bed.

            Within less than five minutes after I heard them the first time, I heard them again come down the hallway and I snuggled up to my blanket even more so. I waited until my mom came in my room crying, as I sat up on my bed and she sat down and said “Anna, your dad is not breathing.”

            There is not a more terrifying thought then to here that one of your parents is not ok and you could lose them in this life. This proceeded by me not comprehending every choice I had to act on that followed. I immediately had to think about the responsibilities that I already planned for that day and call them right after my mom told me all of this. For the record that is not what I had in mind for the most patriotic day of every year for our wonderful country we live in.

            My relationship with my dad was not the strongest father/daughter relationship in the world. I will fully admit to that. However, I really was not in a time in my life where I could emotionally or physically handle that many questions or conflicts come to a Holt with this. When I was in the hospital with my mom and other family, waiting to hear back from the doctor’s, I just remembering everyone else talking and I felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences where there would be nothing that could prepare me for what I was about to here, Ever. Then the doctor came into our room, he said the stereotypical things that doctors say to cover themselves and their jobs. Then he said it. “He didn't make it!”    I developed what we most commonly refer to as Anxiety witch then took a turn into depression over the next 9 months. Let me preface this though by saying I still have thoughts of depression and anxiety, it doesn't completely go away. I was just more readily able to seek specific help when I needed it most. I knew my purpose in feeling at peace again with who I was and the importance on where I needed to go threw out most of the process. I just physically couldn't find the strength to get up and do it. These feelings of doubt on what is most important to you anymore do change completely.

            Ever sense this happened I developed debilitating triggers inside, they felt like they came out of no were. They were actually mental side effects of what I heard that morning. Service men became fearful to me after this. Along with ambulances and police lights and fire trucks. They still send me through a big loop of fear every time I see them. Driving is still debilitating to me and especially at night time. I couldn't even talk to my mom about it, fearing that she wouldn't completely understand what I was really feeling. It hasn't been till now, 6 years later that I really can even talk about it like this and not get completely choked up about it all. The thoughts and the actions that come from something like this can and does effect someone’s well being more than I ever knew it would and why I feel this strong need to bring awareness to the harsh reality that anxiety and depression are in many different situations and in many different lives. This is not something anyone can imagine developing. It is not a one pill fix all type of deal, It is real and it is physically and emotionally debilitating to anyone who has it and it happens when you least expect it. There is hope though and there are ways to manage it and there are more people than even I realized that have it. I don’t know if someone else has felt the way I have about it because I haven’t met anyone willing to open up that deeply about it, However, I have met some of the best people ever for me; they have really listened to me and have helped me realize that it is a process and it does get better.

            I know this paper only needed to be half of the words I actually put down. However, I felt I needed to explain it with more words in order to convey how real this disease can become. I know it is not the same for anyone else simply because my dad had panic attacks and depression ever sense he came back from being in the Army and serving in the Vietnam War. He worked hard and served his country faithfully. He ended up paying the price of these debilitating feelings in his life and it wasn't till he passed away that I realized how much it affected him to go through it. There are different types of anxiety and depression out there I just felt that this is how it felt for me and if you do have any other questions please feel free to come talk to me more.  

       

Thoughts in my crazy mind:)

Things that have been going thru this tiny crazy head of mine as of lately!!!

1. I for sure think I have the best friends and family in the world and yes I am biased but they totally made my birthday compleat and full of everything I wanted in my birthday as I get a little older and hopefully wiser:)!!!

2. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of gaining a higher education right now in my life. I have honestly had my set backs and downfalls through the process but now I am just truly grateful for the blessing that I have to learn how to become the best me that I can be.

3. I am eternally grateful for my brother Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father and their teachings that are in my life today. I am also eternally grateful for the many many opportunities they provide in my life to learn and relearn the truths that they have  made possible for me to learn throughout my life on this earth and forever.

4. I am truly grateful for cooking! I know this may be a strange thing to be grateful for but I just love every aspect of cooking and serving others with that cooking:) I also enjoy other forms of service but if I am in need of anything my self or just want to make something better, cooking seem's to do the trick:)

5. I am grateful for music, I pretty much love it all except for a few select few genres:) Just look on my phone and you will see what I mean:)

6. I am excited for my future and whatever may come. The adventures that will happen and the trials I know I will be able to overcome!!! The Blessings that will be a result of all of this and the people that will become a part of my life. Its amazing the blessings that he is so excited to bring to us when we faithfully put our heart and trust completely in him and his will!!!

I love y'all and hope y'all have a great day now:)

Till We Meet Again, Daddy

Today's post is going to be a bit sentimental for me because right now in my life its just a sentimental time. As some of you may or may not know. My father past away of a heart attack 6 years ago on the 4th of July. I always found that a bit strange that it ended up being quite the surprise for me and my family. This particular event happened on a day that my dad cherished himself, quite a bit.
     If there is one thing that I know about my dad, through and through. It was that he loved this country!!! Enough that he served several years of his life in the Army and then served a full time mission for Jesus Christ for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After serving both faithfully, He found my mom and they were married in the St. George Temple for time and all eternity.
      As a result of challenges my dad grew up with in his life and memories that I'll never know or understand completely. I had to come to terms for my self that he would be the only person to know and understand him and I needed to find this and feel the same confidence within myself now, more than ever.
     My dad would not want me to feel the same struggles and depression that I know he had at different points in his life. He wants me to find happiness and experience the joys of this life that have came from our brother, Jesus Christ's unwavering love and ultimate gift to each of us to always find joy within our obstacles that are also inevitable in this mortal life of ours.
        I Love my Father in Heaven, I also love that he loves me enough to have sent me the best dad I could have had for this mortal life. Somedays, I do ask why he took him away from me at such a young age in my life. However, I always find tender mercies in the journey that I am on now. I know each of us will live and die someday. I know we all will make mistakes in this mortal life of ours and we will go through trials that sometimes we may not understand when we are going through them, I do feel though that god is with us every day and every step of the way.
         Jesus Christ has given us family's here on this earth. They may not be who or what we expect them to be but he has his plan for each of us to bring us each as much Joy as he has and I know that this family of mine would do anything for me as long as I just find the courage to ask. This is the same feeling I have about prayer to Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven every day that I am here. They are our family and they want us to ask them for the things we come to learn are most cherished and most valuable to us in our lives.
            The greatest gift I have ever been given on this earth is the knowledge that families can be forever and this includes Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. He really gives us all the tools we need to obtain this blessing and we are simply asked to follow him through living his commandments. You can take that however you want to because that is your agency to do so. For me though, he has given us the truth through his word and I can feel the blessings this freedom that I have in my life currently and through the sacrifice of my father on earth made in his service in the army but also by living the way I feel uplifted most each day.
           I really believe that because of the agency god has given to each of us that we can have as much happiness as there possibly is. As we make choices, good or bad, wrong or right, we will find the pain or blessings that each choice gives us and lead us to obtain in our lives. He Loves me and He loves each one of his children more than each of us can honestly comprehend. Why You may ask. Because he went through every heartbreak, each physical imperfection we have thoughts about or experience in this life and he did it while he lived his life Sooo perfectly so we could have that joy and have the example that we each need to find joy in our journey.
           I know I'm going all out in this one but its because I have felt the love and the heartache that these truly hard but always simply amazing moments can bring into my own life. I would never want anyone to loose their father like I did but I also know that on July 4th 2008 that Heaven got one of the the best and he is in a better place now where he can learn and grow more the way he needs too. Until we meet again in person dad. I love you and am truly grateful for all the sacrifices you made for me and our family here on this earth so I can have the chance to be me. As I think of the last day I got to spend with you on this earth 6 years ago today, I think of the truly amazing blessings you gave to me in my life and will continue to stay with me always. Here is a song that reminds me of the love you brought into my life dad. I love you!!!!
      
         

   
 

Know Your Worth

This Particular blog post is named after the song that keeps me going in my life right now:) A very good friend sang it to me in the basement of another friends house in high school right before he sang it for me and I believe 15 other ladies in my seminary class the next week and many times afterwords. When he told me it was going to be recorded and I was getting the very first copy of it, I honestly was on cloud 15.  This song gave me peace of mind in my life and an assurance that I am very loved. For the record though... It still does.
         If there is one thing that I always say that I know for a fact in my life it is that god loves me and loves each one of his children the same amount. He wouldn't have atoned for our sins and our heartbreaks if he didn't.  My very sweet relief society pres came to see me yesterday and we both had the privilege of serving in the south on our missions and she said something that I have also said sense my mission. When it rains it pours. Then I remembered one of my favorite activities to do and biggest tender mercies there ever is in my opinion, when its raining I get to go out and jump around in the puddles and dance in it. I then came up with the saying When it rains it Pours, but there is no reason not to go dance in the rain. So now I'm trying to stay positive and think of the tender mercies that I am receiving right now in my life.
          1. I have an amazing family and some of which are here in utah that normally aren't and that is a                      blessing for me right now.
          2. I dare you to find me better friends then I have surrounding me right now!!! Seriously though.
          3. I have an amazing support system within my ward family:)
          4. I have a job!!!!!!!
          5. I have truth about the only true gospel on this earth and I know that.
      This life will have obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb but I do know it is always made possible through the miracles that he is just waiting to give you and me everyday as we put our time in his and know that his way is always the best way.
 

         

The Healing Power of God's Love

In a way I've know my weaknesses sense a very young age. I have just choose to take what comes of it as the easy way out, a lot. Some of my guilty pleasures include pretty much any nicholas sparks movie, chocolate of any kind and a lot of it. I also love to bake, mostly sweets so you could say that this is a weakness as well, for me though I love doing it for others and that has been known as an act of service. I really believe in good and in doing good as well. I dream and imagine of what great deeds I can do everyday but then somehow they just become thoughts and it ends up making me sad because I don't act on those thoughts sometimes. I work hard and I do things that I feel are most important in my life because they help me feel peace and comfort when I am in need of it most. as I was serving my mission in alabama, I felt completely at peace with what I was doing because I knew it was good and was what would make me feel real happiness. I think i have tried to feel that happiness for quite some time now.  We are all on our own unique journey in this crazy life. So why do I fall into the trap of doing things and saying things sometimes when I don't feel they are actually worth my time?
    I know I am my own worst critic in life because I'm the only one who makes those decisions and those choices for me. I had an experience while in Alabama that changed my determination in this life and wish it was still as strong of a feeling in my heart as it was then. I had the privilege to have the most understanding mission president ever. He was genuinely concerned about each one of us and would do everything possible to help each one of us know the power of our choices. He along with my family during this time of my life changed my view on creating the life I know I am ment to live. God Is Good, Always and Forever. I am reminded about this beautiful gift each and every time I am at the temple, Because the house of the lord is a place of true beauty and a house of peace and love. This is why I am eternally grateful for my saviors houses on this earth and the ability to be challenged to always feel that beauty that he has intended for me to feel in this life.
   I am a beautiful daughter of god. Because I feel that truth each day of the life god has blessed me with. I know that he blesses me in my weaknesses and in my trials which happen to be a whole lot of food and doubt creeping into my life at this particular time. So how do I change it. I have learned that doubt and fear are the direct result of satan and his power of creeping into our lives. Misery really does love company and the way to get rid of this is to feel my life with truth and virtuous thoughts and actions. I am striving to find more truth each day of my life and for the most part I know that is what has kept me going in this life. Its been the true love of god shining light when I didn't feel like I had any left.
   I started working out early again this morning with my good friend and it honestly was an awesome feeling. I also attended the beautiful temple tonight and I know that it was exactly what I needed. Now I will go and spend my weekend feeling excited to have each blessing that I have been given in my life. It comes in just an instant and can change the way you think about everything. No matter how hard something seems to be in the moment I truly believe that I can come out of the feeling of despair because god loves me and I just need to believe and act on that belief until I come to know the blessings of it all. I am embarking on a slow and steady change within myself this coming year and I am grateful for the opportunity to do so with the lord by my side. I know he is there and is my ultimate cheerleader and my confidant, he is my best friend and who I turn too everyday to tell everything I am feeling and everything that I need to improve upon in my life.
        I am on a journey that will be the most challenging one to date in my life because I have never taken the time to do so yet, but I also know that with the lord by my side that I will always find happiness as I seek truth and real happiness in my life. Thank you all for being examples of this and for helping me along the journey.

 
   

     

Obtaining my desires through Faith In God

As a warning this post will be a very long one that will probably make no sense to most. If you read through it though, Bless You!!!! As I am sitting here in my institute class simply amazed at the truth that my amazing teacher is teaching to me; I see the best way for me to explain where I am headed in my life with the gifts of the spirit that he is teaching me about is too write it.

     He just challenged each of us to find a level of faith to seek and improve on that I know is obtainable. The moment I saw the third way of faith I knew that's what I needed to work on in my life. It is to become gods instrument through his will. I know it is only possible through sinsear prayer and believing in my self to accomplish hard things in my life. 

     I am currently overweight. This is hard to say to my self let alone to potential readers but without saying this outloud, I won't make the changes that I have a strong desire to chang in one of my current triles in life. Through obtaining knowledge and believing in my mind over matter is the way for me to obtain my very real goal to feel more of the spirit and feel better about myself for me! Not for anyone else but for me. I know this is a sincere desire of my heat today, tomorrow and for as long as it takes to feel that blessing because I know it is truth and I know through god ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!! I love truth and I know god wants me to embody this truth in my life. 

     There are a lot of true desires that I have in my life right now. I know finishing school in 3 more semesters is one of them:)!!! I am taking steps in my life to obtain this goal and yes I also believe this brings speed bumps and hardships along my way on this journey, however I believe everyone of those speed bumps are there for my good and will make me stronger on my journey. I need more faith :) it's that simple!!! I need more faith in god and his love, blessings, knowledge and Truth he has given to me to achieve my goals in this life. I love truth and I believe it is the way to help me reach this goal to loose 85 pounds in the next year of my life and continue to be strong in staying healthy throughout my life:)
     I will be going through a long awaited surgery this summer in my left knee and although this is one of those speed bumps I will have I know it is for my good and will help make me that much stronger in my life. I am greatful for the blessings and talents of others to help me through this speed bump and for the teachings of my best friend and brother who is always there when I need him. I'll keep y'all updated on my journey of feeling healthy again and on my journey along the way as well. Have a blessed day now:)!!!

A Thing Called Love

So since I haven't written on here for over a year now I decided it is time for a change, starting off with this joyous season of love that is only a few days away.  I actually love valentines day's not because of the obvious reasons ether. I think it is the funnest thing ever to show love for those who are in my life and who have given so much. Some awesome people who have became a huge part of my life in the past year. It was hard saying goodbye to many friends in logan after finishing up the semester there at utah state. I have really missed them and exciting life events happening with them there but it has been a good move back to orem for me. I have been able to spend more time with my family and get ready for my classes in the fall back at uvu. I was able to find some really great jobs and start over again here in a new apartment with roommates I have never met and it has been great to get to know them and have fun hanging out with them so far. We all have changed quite a bit in the last few months since we have been here and it is fun to get involved in the ward with new and wonderful people. Here are a few of the fun pictures I have taken I hope you enjoy and I'll keep you updated soon again.

Logan apartment

Beach in Moneray 

Library calling in Logan:) 

Marcy's Wedding Day:)!!!!

Roll Tide Roll In Logan 

Died my hair dark again 

Christines Wedding

Babysitting my niece 

Temple Trip:) 

Going Blond again on my birthday:) 

Roll Tide Sun Glasses 

Very expensive hat that I love:) 

Birthday Cheesecake with my friends 

Gabby, My new roommate with a huge scoop of ice cream:) 

mini golfing for Brian's Birthday:) 

Movie night with the sandlot:) 

Stephanie and I at the mission Reunion:) 

Fall Break with gabby, watching Laguna:)

Sis. Staley and I at the mission reunion 

Toumauni, Colin, Gabby, and Ali having a cupcake war at our Halloween party:)

Lovely ladies at our mission reunion 

one of the many carved pumpkins we did this season

Elders from my ward at the rm fireside:)

me as a kitty at a Halloween dance:) 

Gabby and Karin's Sunday morning hallway sessions:) 

So i um got to meet the one and only Alex Boye:)!!!!!

Temple Square with my cute nephews:) 

Ez and I excited to see the Christmas lights turn on

All ready for the Bama Game:) 

Waiting to see if Colin has pink eye with gabby who has pink eye:) 

Temple Square with Friends 

Manti Temple for Nora's Wedding:) 

She's Married:) 

My New Niece named Nora was Blessed shortly after:) 

Have to try on the fun sun glasses while I go to city creek for lunch with Brian:) 

A Reply cake to a formal dance:) 

Gabby getting answered to the dance with a bajillian balloons 

Shopping with the roommates night:)  

We Like Hats:) 

Don't mess With our Crew:) 

The Formal Dance 

The most Legit kids ever y'all:)