Jealousy, The Ugly green monster

       lately I have really felt a lot of jealousy and I'm not entirely sure why but I have and so to feel whole again or feel more like Anna the way I feel most happiest I have decided to write about it, even though it feels silly in my eyes to be jealous of this stuff! I have lost a lot of self confidence in myself the last few years simply because I dwelt so heavily on what others say to me, say about me and I'm really honestly done feeling like I'm truly not worthy of being happy any more! If you're seeing any red flags go up here as I continue to write this out though please just know that I really do love me and I'm working on feeling good about where I am in my life more than you may realize:)

     Just today in church I felt lonely and that they are so compleatly sick of seeing me here I am not worth that much to them or anywhere and then I realized that first off that really was Satan in my head and secondly I don't go to church to see them, I don't do a lot of what I do in my life for anyone but me and that truly is the way it should be. We truly have been given the greatest gift of all to have our brother, savior and best friend shed his innocent blood for each and every single one of his us his children and if we cant feel the strength and the power that come with that then come join me and the rest of the world in figuring out the love he gives and shares with each of us every step of the way!

     Jealousy truly is the big ugly green monster in our lives that leaves us in hard times probably more then we would like it to and to that I say be kind to those around you be open to listening and understanding the love that our brother and savior Jesus Christ. We never know what trials we each have been given in our lives but I am sure that we all have them and we also all have the agency to choose for ourselves what we do what we eat what we say what we think even and non of us really are perfect by a long shot but we are so immensely loved and cared for by our earthly parents and our Heavenly Parents as well!

      I have always wanted to stay happy and that is up to me every single day that I am given to be here on this earth and maybe even after! I love my savior and brother Jesus Christ and his unwavering love and understanding and guidance we are in need of in our day to day lives and I am so incredibly grateful for this time of year for my family and for my amazing friends in my life and  I can't wait to see what is in store for me next  

Love

So yesterday was a great day, I woke up I got ready for the day and I went out to vote! As my civic duty, I appreciate the opportunity to vote and put my opinion into action better and as a freedom that I now have and have had throughout my life I felt I owe it to so many woman who once didn't have that chance! Who I voted for may not be the popular vote or maybe it was! But I got to be informed enough to go and cast my ballot and stand up for what I believe and what I personally know to be right:)! That to me is so much more then hearing all of the bickering and the negativity and the hate that inevitably surrounds people I'm around right now and frankly I'm thinking no wonder i have been having more meltdowns and anxiety in my life more lately, of course there are so many other factors as to why this is happening to me but I'm tired of being afraid to voice the taboo subjects that are inevitably are causing me to have more panic attacks and doubt in my head of who I really am!
     Yes I deal with anxiety and depression and a few other issues that prevent me from physically and mentally feeling excited to be the Child of God that I believe is in me and yes this leads me to not be in a place where I am entirely comfortable moving forward in being as confident as I know I could be!  I'm honestly just trying to be the best me I can be as I'm sure we all are trying to do and over the years that has taken a toll on me and what my goals are in my life! My main focus in writing all of this down though, is to say be kind, and know that it Will all Work Out in our lives and I say that mostly for myself because I have truly felt more broken in my own life as of lately then I ever thought I would and I will need this reminder in my life more each day! I really have so much love and hope and faith in my savior, and brother/Best Friend in my life and that is enough for me to keep going, keep Trying, and most of all keep loving with all my heart:)

Boldness without Overbearance

Hey Y'all, I'm back here writing again to try and be a little bit more vulnerable about who I am and what's happening! For the four of you that are reading this! Thank you for that and to the rest that don't make it through the whole thing, that's ok, I'm writing this for me and i thank you for stopping by!

    So here it goes then, I'm 27 years old and I feel like I'm doing pretty good in life, I have a wonderful family that helps me learn and grow every single day. I have an incredible Job that I Absolutely love to pieces. I have co workers that make me grow and learn more who I am and what I stand for every single day and who genuinely care about me and help me through the trials and the Triumphs of life that I am experiencing right now in my life.

   I have a place to call home and to sleep every night and I seriously cant forget the friends and the love I feel from everyone i am meeting in my life and that continue to stick around even when I don't see you! I am truly and incredibly blessed in my life! I always want to remember this feeling witch is why I am writing it down!

   This next part might be where I loose ya and that's ok by me:)

   The last year or so though or rather for the last 8 years on and off, I have had nightmares, night terrors, and just down right despair running through my head and I have seemed to scare off most everyone that truly mean the most to me with this because sometimes I don't know how to tell what is me dreaming from what is real!

   This is debilitating and extremely frustrating to me as I have got pretty good at compartmentalizing when its ok to just not always feel ok and sometimes this isn't the case ether! If i'm not making any sense to you right now, I'm saying to you now, life sure is confusing and I have truly come to know and learn that literally each and every single one of us have hard and difficult triles that happen in our lives and through this, I have came closer to understanding just a tiny bit of what my best friend and brother Jesus Christ did for me!

  I have battled with so many negative thoughts in my head saying your not good enough you aren't strong enough to accomplish that and then I did, I wanted to drop out of all my classes so many times when I was in school or when I would just down right fall to the ground because of my dizzy spells or just eat my way through the pain that I felt emotionally in my life and now I'm done with it all!

  I love me enough to keep trying, keep going, No Matter what try's to get in my way because I know it'll all be worth it when I get to see my best friend again someday and say i always Believed and I love him for always being there with me along the way!

   I don't always feel like i'm enough but I do know that With god, Truly all things are possible and I believe that with all my heart! Call me what you will but I know I always want to be a believer in god and our savior and brother Jesus Christ and I am incredibly blessed to have what i do in my life and know that Everything will turn out for my own good in the end! my new favorite thing to quote is in the Book of Mormon in Alma 38:12 witch says

   12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

This is what I'm striving to become more and more each day and I hope that any of you that read this will join me in this! I truly love the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and the peace that I feel as I come to learn and apply all that I do with that knowledge! I also love modern day Prophets and apostles that lead and guide me to know and feel truth in my life and always have there guidance through the spirit as I go and if this post sounds to preachy I'm sorry but I'm not sorry because this is what I love about this life and I feel we should always share what we love and what we learn the best from! 

Life Lessions

So I'm on a bit of a Writing kick as of lately! this time around I really want to talk about Vulnerability and life lessons that I can focus on living more fully these days!  it can be incredibly difficult when it just turns the wrong way for a variety of reasons so I have decided to put a few lessons i have learned along this journey!

• Simply Trust in God in who he is, What he does, and what he has already made of each one of us here no matter what you believe:)  
• Work hard in All that you do and You Will be taken care of in the end! 
• Find Faith in Every Trial you may have big or Small! 
• Take the risk of being more vulnerable than you were before and enjoy where it takes you and what you learn from it all because "No one can make you inferior without your consent!"(Eleanor Roosevelt)  
• Always Believe You Can Do Hard Things, Because you Can! 
• Turn Your Dreams into Goals and you really will achieve more in your life! 
• Be Kind Always, We really don't know what someone else is going through!! 
• Laughing burns more calories:)!!!  
• Do what you Love, Love what you do! 
• Keep Keepin on, It really isn't the end of the world:) 
• Trust yourself more!
• Live fully, Love Yourself Always, Laugh when you want to cry

I have found that these tips I have heard one way or another truly do not change hard times from coming into each of our lives, but  they sure do help me to enjoy the ride a whole lot more then if I didn't know them and feel the strength that it gives me in my life! I hope y'all have a Blessed day now! 

Perception

     So as of late, I have had thoughts running through my head lots about things I didn't spend as much time thinking about before for one reason or another! It's just crazy to me though how I have come to know that our thoughts really do determine our actions each day and how I need to learn and grow from the good the bad and simply all of the I don't knows in my life.
      I really truly have seen some of the best blessings I have ever received in my entire life happen as of lately more and more and for that, I am truly just grateful! I have so many incredible friends in my life, An amazing job that I still am flabbergasted that I landed and amazing co-workers that I can learn from each and everyday with! A newer car that I still don't feel I deserve and I have been surrounded by family that I don't normally get to see to often so why in the world do I still feel incredibly down on myself, down on others that do nothing but help me each day and I realized that I needed a change of Perception in my life more now!
      I've decided I'm going to work on figuring out how I truly feel about things that have ment different things to me throughout my life! The first is the freedoms and the blessing that I have to live in America. I was able to go to stadium of fire last night and I over the past 9 years or so I enjoyed going to this event and hearing the wonderful speeches and the presenting of the colors and the wonderful program that they do before the concert of the main singer that comes each year! I do love being an american and I really do not take that blessing for granted in my life however since my dad past away on the 4th of July when I was 18 I really have lost interest in things and people that truly are hero's and mostly the rituals that happen with certain patriotic events!
     For instance, I still cringed and was a little bit more scared hearing the noisy jets and fireworks all at once at the end of a beautiful song being sang to help all of us show our respects for The United States of America. I recognize more now that there will always be hard things happen for each one of us during different times throughout our lives and hearing those noise of paramedics stomping around in steel boots anywhere I am and hearing the sirens go off everyday will still be hard for me but I cant keep being scared of it all because it just causes more anxiety and more hurt then if I have a small moment and move forward to new and incredibly wonderful moments that precede the trying times. It's really not fair to me or too anyone else that I'm around!  
      I am really grateful for the freedoms that I personally have in my life and I will always be eternally grateful for the constant reminders that the soldiers that have served and that are serving now are incredibly courageous and selfless and amazing for what they are doing for their country and for me! I do love this country and the blessings that it brings into my life everyday! I just hope that someday I will be able to show the love that so many servicemen show to me!

 
 

My mind runs away to you

      So its been a while I know but I really needed to write today and talk about something that has stayed with me for a while now and that is depression and anxiety it has varied in how much it has effected me through the years and I know without a doubt that it has affected me the most in the last year of my life the most!
       I guess it became most apparent to me when my dad did pass away when I was 18 and I really didn't want to do much in my life and now that I have accomplished a goal that I never though I would in my life, I really want it back in my life! I recognize that It hasn't even been a week sense I graduated and I really do miss a lot of it in my life already!
       There is so much that i am excited to be done with for now like homework and looking up classes and staying up till midnight to make sure I can get the classes that I wanted to take and  for goodness sakes trying to find parking places in a parking lot that is absolutely craziness driving through but getting to see good friends and co workers and bosses at school everyday was nice and going to not just my classes on campus but going to institute classes and being on institute council this past year was seriously something that I will truly remember forever, I grow constantly in my life from all that I was able to do with the people that became like family to me.
       I know this post is more for me to remember the good times I had this last year in my life and many many other amazing moments and friends that I have made on my collage career not just at uvu but also usu  as well and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I guess the question that I really have had on my mind lately the most is Now What?
       people I have been around have asked me this very question and I really do have a direction i want to go in now but it takes time and serious preparation to know if this is what is supposed to happen in my life. Yes this causes me more anxiety then I want to have in my life and has for longer then I want to admit as well, but it is also one of the most exciting and exhilarating feelings that I could ever have in my life right now!
      For now, I will just keep smiling and keep laughing this infectious laugh that I have and keep going after dreams that I have and keep trying to figure out what adventures life will lead me in to take in my life and still continue to grow and learn all that I can along the way. I just hope that I can do it all with a more consistent sleep schedule in my life:) and more of the peace I feel when I am surrounded by my best friend and brother Jesus Christ in my thoughts and actions!