New Year New Goals

I'll be honest with y'all here I hardly ever write down new years goals ever until now. why you might ask sense I have heard every line in the book about if you don't write it down then you will never do it! I get that however I am a much more visual kind of person in this sense because I love taking pictures of ways that describe me or who I want to become and that works for me! its not the same for everyone else and I do understand that! I just decided that this year I am going to write down the things that I want and need most in my life right now because then I can come take a picture of it from my blog:)

1. I need to be more diligent at writing down a food journal because now that I am not at school walking around as much and I'm here at a desk for most of my day I need to be more aware of all that I am eating and being 100% accountable for the choices I am making!

2. I am also determined to exercise a minimum of 4 days a week and hopefully more as I know I am the only one that can change me!

3.  I really want to learn more about the nature of my Heavenly Father and Brother Jesus Christ better because I just feel you can never know enough about them and I really feel this will help me feel more confident in all I need to do this coming year!

4. I want to find opportunities to read all of the books that I have now to help me stay active in my education even though I have graduated with my bachelors degree now and also look more into Master Programs I can get into!

I'm starting out with these ones and Maybe add more along the way as I get into the habit of doing these ones!

Jealousy, The Ugly green monster

       lately I have really felt a lot of jealousy and I'm not entirely sure why but I have and so to feel whole again or feel more like Anna the way I feel most happiest I have decided to write about it, even though it feels silly in my eyes to be jealous of this stuff! I have lost a lot of self confidence in myself the last few years simply because I dwelt so heavily on what others say to me, say about me and I'm really honestly done feeling like I'm truly not worthy of being happy any more! If you're seeing any red flags go up here as I continue to write this out though please just know that I really do love me and I'm working on feeling good about where I am in my life more than you may realize:)

     Just today in church I felt lonely and that they are so compleatly sick of seeing me here I am not worth that much to them or anywhere and then I realized that first off that really was Satan in my head and secondly I don't go to church to see them, I don't do a lot of what I do in my life for anyone but me and that truly is the way it should be. We truly have been given the greatest gift of all to have our brother, savior and best friend shed his innocent blood for each and every single one of his us his children and if we cant feel the strength and the power that come with that then come join me and the rest of the world in figuring out the love he gives and shares with each of us every step of the way!

     Jealousy truly is the big ugly green monster in our lives that leaves us in hard times probably more then we would like it to and to that I say be kind to those around you be open to listening and understanding the love that our brother and savior Jesus Christ. We never know what trials we each have been given in our lives but I am sure that we all have them and we also all have the agency to choose for ourselves what we do what we eat what we say what we think even and non of us really are perfect by a long shot but we are so immensely loved and cared for by our earthly parents and our Heavenly Parents as well!

      I have always wanted to stay happy and that is up to me every single day that I am given to be here on this earth and maybe even after! I love my savior and brother Jesus Christ and his unwavering love and understanding and guidance we are in need of in our day to day lives and I am so incredibly grateful for this time of year for my family and for my amazing friends in my life and  I can't wait to see what is in store for me next  

Love

So yesterday was a great day, I woke up I got ready for the day and I went out to vote! As my civic duty, I appreciate the opportunity to vote and put my opinion into action better and as a freedom that I now have and have had throughout my life I felt I owe it to so many woman who once didn't have that chance! Who I voted for may not be the popular vote or maybe it was! But I got to be informed enough to go and cast my ballot and stand up for what I believe and what I personally know to be right:)! That to me is so much more then hearing all of the bickering and the negativity and the hate that inevitably surrounds people I'm around right now and frankly I'm thinking no wonder i have been having more meltdowns and anxiety in my life more lately, of course there are so many other factors as to why this is happening to me but I'm tired of being afraid to voice the taboo subjects that are inevitably are causing me to have more panic attacks and doubt in my head of who I really am!
     Yes I deal with anxiety and depression and a few other issues that prevent me from physically and mentally feeling excited to be the Child of God that I believe is in me and yes this leads me to not be in a place where I am entirely comfortable moving forward in being as confident as I know I could be!  I'm honestly just trying to be the best me I can be as I'm sure we all are trying to do and over the years that has taken a toll on me and what my goals are in my life! My main focus in writing all of this down though, is to say be kind, and know that it Will all Work Out in our lives and I say that mostly for myself because I have truly felt more broken in my own life as of lately then I ever thought I would and I will need this reminder in my life more each day! I really have so much love and hope and faith in my savior, and brother/Best Friend in my life and that is enough for me to keep going, keep Trying, and most of all keep loving with all my heart:)

Boldness without Overbearance

Hey Y'all, I'm back here writing again to try and be a little bit more vulnerable about who I am and what's happening! For the four of you that are reading this! Thank you for that and to the rest that don't make it through the whole thing, that's ok, I'm writing this for me and i thank you for stopping by!

    So here it goes then, I'm 27 years old and I feel like I'm doing pretty good in life, I have a wonderful family that helps me learn and grow every single day. I have an incredible Job that I Absolutely love to pieces. I have co workers that make me grow and learn more who I am and what I stand for every single day and who genuinely care about me and help me through the trials and the Triumphs of life that I am experiencing right now in my life.

   I have a place to call home and to sleep every night and I seriously cant forget the friends and the love I feel from everyone i am meeting in my life and that continue to stick around even when I don't see you! I am truly and incredibly blessed in my life! I always want to remember this feeling witch is why I am writing it down!

   This next part might be where I loose ya and that's ok by me:)

   The last year or so though or rather for the last 8 years on and off, I have had nightmares, night terrors, and just down right despair running through my head and I have seemed to scare off most everyone that truly mean the most to me with this because sometimes I don't know how to tell what is me dreaming from what is real!

   This is debilitating and extremely frustrating to me as I have got pretty good at compartmentalizing when its ok to just not always feel ok and sometimes this isn't the case ether! If i'm not making any sense to you right now, I'm saying to you now, life sure is confusing and I have truly come to know and learn that literally each and every single one of us have hard and difficult triles that happen in our lives and through this, I have came closer to understanding just a tiny bit of what my best friend and brother Jesus Christ did for me!

  I have battled with so many negative thoughts in my head saying your not good enough you aren't strong enough to accomplish that and then I did, I wanted to drop out of all my classes so many times when I was in school or when I would just down right fall to the ground because of my dizzy spells or just eat my way through the pain that I felt emotionally in my life and now I'm done with it all!

  I love me enough to keep trying, keep going, No Matter what try's to get in my way because I know it'll all be worth it when I get to see my best friend again someday and say i always Believed and I love him for always being there with me along the way!

   I don't always feel like i'm enough but I do know that With god, Truly all things are possible and I believe that with all my heart! Call me what you will but I know I always want to be a believer in god and our savior and brother Jesus Christ and I am incredibly blessed to have what i do in my life and know that Everything will turn out for my own good in the end! my new favorite thing to quote is in the Book of Mormon in Alma 38:12 witch says

   12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

This is what I'm striving to become more and more each day and I hope that any of you that read this will join me in this! I truly love the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and the peace that I feel as I come to learn and apply all that I do with that knowledge! I also love modern day Prophets and apostles that lead and guide me to know and feel truth in my life and always have there guidance through the spirit as I go and if this post sounds to preachy I'm sorry but I'm not sorry because this is what I love about this life and I feel we should always share what we love and what we learn the best from! 

Life Lessions

So I'm on a bit of a Writing kick as of lately! this time around I really want to talk about Vulnerability and life lessons that I can focus on living more fully these days!  it can be incredibly difficult when it just turns the wrong way for a variety of reasons so I have decided to put a few lessons i have learned along this journey!

• Simply Trust in God in who he is, What he does, and what he has already made of each one of us here no matter what you believe:)  
• Work hard in All that you do and You Will be taken care of in the end! 
• Find Faith in Every Trial you may have big or Small! 
• Take the risk of being more vulnerable than you were before and enjoy where it takes you and what you learn from it all because "No one can make you inferior without your consent!"(Eleanor Roosevelt)  
• Always Believe You Can Do Hard Things, Because you Can! 
• Turn Your Dreams into Goals and you really will achieve more in your life! 
• Be Kind Always, We really don't know what someone else is going through!! 
• Laughing burns more calories:)!!!  
• Do what you Love, Love what you do! 
• Keep Keepin on, It really isn't the end of the world:) 
• Trust yourself more!
• Live fully, Love Yourself Always, Laugh when you want to cry

I have found that these tips I have heard one way or another truly do not change hard times from coming into each of our lives, but  they sure do help me to enjoy the ride a whole lot more then if I didn't know them and feel the strength that it gives me in my life! I hope y'all have a Blessed day now! 

Perception

     So as of late, I have had thoughts running through my head lots about things I didn't spend as much time thinking about before for one reason or another! It's just crazy to me though how I have come to know that our thoughts really do determine our actions each day and how I need to learn and grow from the good the bad and simply all of the I don't knows in my life.
      I really truly have seen some of the best blessings I have ever received in my entire life happen as of lately more and more and for that, I am truly just grateful! I have so many incredible friends in my life, An amazing job that I still am flabbergasted that I landed and amazing co-workers that I can learn from each and everyday with! A newer car that I still don't feel I deserve and I have been surrounded by family that I don't normally get to see to often so why in the world do I still feel incredibly down on myself, down on others that do nothing but help me each day and I realized that I needed a change of Perception in my life more now!
      I've decided I'm going to work on figuring out how I truly feel about things that have ment different things to me throughout my life! The first is the freedoms and the blessing that I have to live in America. I was able to go to stadium of fire last night and I over the past 9 years or so I enjoyed going to this event and hearing the wonderful speeches and the presenting of the colors and the wonderful program that they do before the concert of the main singer that comes each year! I do love being an american and I really do not take that blessing for granted in my life however since my dad past away on the 4th of July when I was 18 I really have lost interest in things and people that truly are hero's and mostly the rituals that happen with certain patriotic events!
     For instance, I still cringed and was a little bit more scared hearing the noisy jets and fireworks all at once at the end of a beautiful song being sang to help all of us show our respects for The United States of America. I recognize more now that there will always be hard things happen for each one of us during different times throughout our lives and hearing those noise of paramedics stomping around in steel boots anywhere I am and hearing the sirens go off everyday will still be hard for me but I cant keep being scared of it all because it just causes more anxiety and more hurt then if I have a small moment and move forward to new and incredibly wonderful moments that precede the trying times. It's really not fair to me or too anyone else that I'm around!  
      I am really grateful for the freedoms that I personally have in my life and I will always be eternally grateful for the constant reminders that the soldiers that have served and that are serving now are incredibly courageous and selfless and amazing for what they are doing for their country and for me! I do love this country and the blessings that it brings into my life everyday! I just hope that someday I will be able to show the love that so many servicemen show to me!

 
 

My mind runs away to you

      So its been a while I know but I really needed to write today and talk about something that has stayed with me for a while now and that is depression and anxiety it has varied in how much it has effected me through the years and I know without a doubt that it has affected me the most in the last year of my life the most!
       I guess it became most apparent to me when my dad did pass away when I was 18 and I really didn't want to do much in my life and now that I have accomplished a goal that I never though I would in my life, I really want it back in my life! I recognize that It hasn't even been a week sense I graduated and I really do miss a lot of it in my life already!
       There is so much that i am excited to be done with for now like homework and looking up classes and staying up till midnight to make sure I can get the classes that I wanted to take and  for goodness sakes trying to find parking places in a parking lot that is absolutely craziness driving through but getting to see good friends and co workers and bosses at school everyday was nice and going to not just my classes on campus but going to institute classes and being on institute council this past year was seriously something that I will truly remember forever, I grow constantly in my life from all that I was able to do with the people that became like family to me.
       I know this post is more for me to remember the good times I had this last year in my life and many many other amazing moments and friends that I have made on my collage career not just at uvu but also usu  as well and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I guess the question that I really have had on my mind lately the most is Now What?
       people I have been around have asked me this very question and I really do have a direction i want to go in now but it takes time and serious preparation to know if this is what is supposed to happen in my life. Yes this causes me more anxiety then I want to have in my life and has for longer then I want to admit as well, but it is also one of the most exciting and exhilarating feelings that I could ever have in my life right now!
      For now, I will just keep smiling and keep laughing this infectious laugh that I have and keep going after dreams that I have and keep trying to figure out what adventures life will lead me in to take in my life and still continue to grow and learn all that I can along the way. I just hope that I can do it all with a more consistent sleep schedule in my life:) and more of the peace I feel when I am surrounded by my best friend and brother Jesus Christ in my thoughts and actions!

The love for his child

Hey Y'all, Its Anna here coming at ya with another post you most likely wont finish reading:) just kidding! I really don't care who read's these, simply because there normally random thoughts running through my head that probably only make sense to me!!! However today was my amazing and wonderful cousin Allie's Homecoming today and let me tell ya how much I love this girl! She has been a rock in my life that will never ever move:) Thank Goodness for amazing examples of hard work, dedication, love, kindness, firm testimony, Happily Enduring through tough trials and beautiful daughter's of god in my life and in my family right! She has gone through a lot and yet she still smiles, she still continues forward and she does it with a huge heart and beautiful from the inside out! I cannot fully express how much love I have for this cousin of mine and I can't wait to see where she is headed to next in her life:)
 Other thoughts in my head as of lately are, I have felt kinda misunderstood a little bit and the only person that can truly heal my heart is me and my brother Jesus Christ, why you might ask? Because he already has! He came too this earth thousands of years ago to live and set the perfect example of a perfect life and it was through his endless love that he did just that and with perfect grace and virtue for each person he not only came in contact with but with those who didn't really meet him or see him the way that he really is and that is perfect! He loves each one of us so deeply that he made the unthinkable for each one of us, he gave away his comfort, his life and his own natural man tendencies he may once have had to bear each of our pain's afflictions and temptations for each one of us in a few hours of his life! He was then physically beaten and killed by children of god that had no idea what he had just done for them and made possible to repent! I am grateful for my heavenly father and by beloved brother, best teammate, Savior, and Brother who made it even possible for me to take the steps he has taught me and repent of the sin's that I have made mistakes I have made and turn me into the beautiful daughter of god that he has always seen in me!
   I am grateful for the eternal blessings of god's one and true gospel on this earth today and the blessings that learning each new principle has brought into my life! It is incredible the Truth and the light and the love that god has for each one of his children and the way he show's it to me in my life! When I have been feeling so compleatly alone in my life I literally feel as though the only one that really can  and will bring me to feel happiness and love in my life is my best friend and brother Jesus Christ and I literally just have to grab hold and know that his hand is stretched out still! I love my Heavenly Father, my Brother Jesus Christ and The absolutely incredible children of god he has placed in my life at this particular moment in time! Happy Sabbath Y'all!

Blessings Always
Anna Wilder

MLK Day

    It started on the first day I remembered getting the day off school in elementary school, I distinctly remember asking my teacher on friday afternoon, why we all didn't have school on monday and she took the opportunity to tell us about martin luther king jr and how he stood up for freedom! 

   As I was watching the new movie that just came out about Martin Luther King Jr called Selma I knew how 

much I wanted to see this movie and as I was watching it with my good friend the other day I couldn't help 

but notice how wise he was portrayed in this movie! He taught with conviction and power that was so kind 

and understanding of the freedoms that we all should have in our lives and he did it without retaliation towards 

any of the individuals who did commit any of the horrible crimes of hate and murderings of all those who stood 

up for the freedoms that everyone else was given! 

    I am and will be forever grateful for the blessings that Martin Luther King Jr stood up for and the people 

who I have been able to learn from and love when he lead the civil rights movement with love and wisdom and 

true leadership! He is an amazing human being who helped change the course of history for the better. 

   I am grateful for the blessing of coming to know the good people of Alabama and serve in montgomery where 

so many of the civil rights movements took place and know that although we have so much more to improve in

bringing about the freedoms that we all are searching for in each of our lives I am grateful for the amazing and 

Beautiful people I have had the privilege to meet and learn from their experiences in the civil rights movement

 I hope y'all have had a wonderful day and are enjoying the freedoms that we all have in our lives each day! 

   

New Year, New Beginnings:)!!!

On this 5th day of a new year, I am in the mood to write!!! One of my favorite things in life is writing:) I am able to say what I want to say and express what I am truly feeling in my life here and my only concern about it is if I am going to be able to express exactly what I feel without compleatly boring all of you!!!
         
  Here are my current thoughts in life though!
   1. I am starting this spring semester of my Jr Year of my undergraduate work and I am excited for my classes I am taking this next semester. I am taking a family financial resources class and although I haven't actually been to the class just yet ( all my classes happen on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this semester!) I am excited to learn more about skills that can help me in my everyday life right now and for the future! I am also taking family education methodology class to help my writing even more! there are many other classes that I am excited to take this next semester but the point of me writing about any of these classes to you is because I have been asked on multiple occasions what I will do with this major or what I am doing with my life right now and I want them to know that yes this bachelors degree may seem to them as just a sad excuse to be a glorified mom someday! What can I do with that right now, right? when I'm currently not married, not dating anyone seriously or even focusing on being a mother for a few more years right! Well my explanation to all of them is these are classes and valuable skills for anyone at any age and can open doors to all different job opportunities in my life whether I ever get married and have a family here on this earth:) This major open's so many opportunities for me to become the best me and do what I love and that is an incredible gift to have in my life. I have discovered more about my self in the last year taking courses for this major  then I ever have throughout my entire life! It has been a great adventure and more life changing for me than I ever thought it could be!
2. Another thought on these feelings in my life is God Is Good! Yes I am getting all spiritual here! Life is always changing and it is our responsibility to make the most of it for ourselves and ourselves only:) This is easier said then done and I will be the first to admit that! my six grade teacher always told me " Life is Hard and then you Die!" I think that was probably one of the best things I have ever learned from a teacher in my life thus far! It is the saying that keeps teaching me and I love that feeling because it is universal and apply's to so much that we do in between everything that we can decide for our lives! I have been really blessed to have so many opportunities to grow and learn from my triles that I have experienced in my life and grow into the daughter of god that I know I am and the love and peace that comes with that knowledge. I know that there is a god and that he has created this beautiful earth that we live in and he made it possible for me to have come to this earth during the perfect time and feel the love that he has for each one of us! I am grateful for my brother Jesus Christ who gave me the ability to have the greatest and hardest gift I have been given in this life and that is Agency and the ability to choose EVERYTHING that I do, say, act on and love in my life! God really is real and he has made it possible for me to do good and make my life the life that I choose!
3. I have been making changes for me and figuring out what it is that I want to accomplish in my life! I love to learn so that Is why I am in school getting a degree that will help bless me forever in what ever I choose to do in my life and It is wonderful! I am also currently loving going out and serving in so many different places around my community! Its so fun and provides even more knowledge for me to experience and decide what I really do love and what I can do in this life! Some other hobbies i am currently loving is looking up new recipes to cook and actually improve my cooking skills! I love too cook, however I have never had a lot of experience with it so that is something I want to explore in my life more! I won't boar you to much longer here but I really just wanted to express more of me and express more of my love for so much in this amazing life that we have each been given!    

Please hear what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me.

Don't be fooled by this mask that I wear.

For I wear a thousand masks and none of them are really me.

Masks that I'm too afraid to take off, fearing that you'll get to know me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me.

I'm pretending that I am in command and that I need no one.

That I'm cool and that my surface is so smooth and I cannot be shaken by anything.

I act as if I am in control, but please don't for one moment be fooled by my surface, that's only

my mask.

Beneath this mask lies no smugness, no complacence.

Beneath this mask dwells the real me in confusion, loneliness, and fear.

But I don't dare tell you that.

I don't dare tell you that this is my mask.

I'm frightened by all the possibilities of my weaknesses being exposed.

I think about it all the time. Will I look like a fool?

That's why I work frantically to create this mask to hide behind in my relationship with people.

This nonchalant, sophisticated facade helps me pretend and shields me from the glance that

knows me.

But such a glance is precisely my only salvation.

It's my only salvation if, however, the glance is followed by acceptance and love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison...from the

barriers that I have so painstakingly created.

It is only that glance that will assure me of what I cannot assure in myself and, that is, that I am

really worth something.

But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be

followed by acceptance and love.

I'm afraid that you'll think less of me...that you'll laugh and that your laugh would kill me.

I'm afraid that deep-down I am nothing. That I'm just no good and soon you're going to find out

and you'll no longer love me...that you'll reject me.

So I play my game. My desperate, pretending game with the facades of assurance from without

and that of a trembling little child from within.

And my life becomes a front.

And I idly chatter to you in suave tones about anything that really means nothing.

And yet I can never tell about the crying inside of me...of my greatest hurts...of my deepest

fears...my concerns.

I can't tell you that because I am afraid.

So please listen carefully not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying.To what I'd like to be able to say. And for what my very own survival I need to say.

I dislike this hiding...honestly.

I dislike this phony, superficial game I'm playing.

I really would like to be genuine and spontaneous and me.

But you've got to help me.

You've got to hold out your hand.

You've got to hold out your hand even when it appears to you that it's the last thing I want from

you, because I am going to share a secret with you about myself;

the moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

The moment I act like I need you the least is the moment I need you the most.

Don't be fooled by this mask. When you see anger in this mask, don't be fooled for one

second...that's not anger, that's hurt.

The mask of anger is easier to show than the mask of hurt.

And if we make the error of looking at people's masks only to see anger on their face, we may

end up in a confrontation only because we missed the point.

You have the power to wipe away this blank stare of the "breathing dead" beneath this mask.

It will not be easy for you.

Long felt hurts make my masks endure. The nearer you approach me the harder I may strike

back.

Irrationally, I fight against the very thing that I cry out for - my identity.

You may wonder who I am. You shouldn't.

Don't be fooled by the face I wear.

I am someone you know very well.

I am every man and woman and child.

I am you.

http://youtu.be/O2QapGlQOFM

Documentary

     For one of my photo assignments that I was assigned to do I needed to do a documentary on something that was kind of personal for me in my life and I decided that I needed to write about depression and anxiety so now I want to share the final project here. I hope y'all enjoy.

Anxiety and Depression

            On July fourth two thousand and eight I woke up to at least ten men who were stomping down the hallway of my home right next to my bedroom at about 6:45 am. When they came to a hold in there stomping I panicked and sat up in my bed. I said to myself there is nothing wrong I just was dreaming or something and I went back to bed.

            Within less than five minutes after I heard them the first time, I heard them again come down the hallway and I snuggled up to my blanket even more so. I waited until my mom came in my room crying, as I sat up on my bed and she sat down and said “Anna, your dad is not breathing.”

            There is not a more terrifying thought then to here that one of your parents is not ok and you could lose them in this life. This proceeded by me not comprehending every choice I had to act on that followed. I immediately had to think about the responsibilities that I already planned for that day and call them right after my mom told me all of this. For the record that is not what I had in mind for the most patriotic day of every year for our wonderful country we live in.

            My relationship with my dad was not the strongest father/daughter relationship in the world. I will fully admit to that. However, I really was not in a time in my life where I could emotionally or physically handle that many questions or conflicts come to a Holt with this. When I was in the hospital with my mom and other family, waiting to hear back from the doctor’s, I just remembering everyone else talking and I felt like I was having one of those out of body experiences where there would be nothing that could prepare me for what I was about to here, Ever. Then the doctor came into our room, he said the stereotypical things that doctors say to cover themselves and their jobs. Then he said it. “He didn't make it!”    I developed what we most commonly refer to as Anxiety witch then took a turn into depression over the next 9 months. Let me preface this though by saying I still have thoughts of depression and anxiety, it doesn't completely go away. I was just more readily able to seek specific help when I needed it most. I knew my purpose in feeling at peace again with who I was and the importance on where I needed to go threw out most of the process. I just physically couldn't find the strength to get up and do it. These feelings of doubt on what is most important to you anymore do change completely.

            Ever sense this happened I developed debilitating triggers inside, they felt like they came out of no were. They were actually mental side effects of what I heard that morning. Service men became fearful to me after this. Along with ambulances and police lights and fire trucks. They still send me through a big loop of fear every time I see them. Driving is still debilitating to me and especially at night time. I couldn't even talk to my mom about it, fearing that she wouldn't completely understand what I was really feeling. It hasn't been till now, 6 years later that I really can even talk about it like this and not get completely choked up about it all. The thoughts and the actions that come from something like this can and does effect someone’s well being more than I ever knew it would and why I feel this strong need to bring awareness to the harsh reality that anxiety and depression are in many different situations and in many different lives. This is not something anyone can imagine developing. It is not a one pill fix all type of deal, It is real and it is physically and emotionally debilitating to anyone who has it and it happens when you least expect it. There is hope though and there are ways to manage it and there are more people than even I realized that have it. I don’t know if someone else has felt the way I have about it because I haven’t met anyone willing to open up that deeply about it, However, I have met some of the best people ever for me; they have really listened to me and have helped me realize that it is a process and it does get better.

            I know this paper only needed to be half of the words I actually put down. However, I felt I needed to explain it with more words in order to convey how real this disease can become. I know it is not the same for anyone else simply because my dad had panic attacks and depression ever sense he came back from being in the Army and serving in the Vietnam War. He worked hard and served his country faithfully. He ended up paying the price of these debilitating feelings in his life and it wasn't till he passed away that I realized how much it affected him to go through it. There are different types of anxiety and depression out there I just felt that this is how it felt for me and if you do have any other questions please feel free to come talk to me more.  

       

Thoughts in my crazy mind:)

Things that have been going thru this tiny crazy head of mine as of lately!!!

1. I for sure think I have the best friends and family in the world and yes I am biased but they totally made my birthday compleat and full of everything I wanted in my birthday as I get a little older and hopefully wiser:)!!!

2. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of gaining a higher education right now in my life. I have honestly had my set backs and downfalls through the process but now I am just truly grateful for the blessing that I have to learn how to become the best me that I can be.

3. I am eternally grateful for my brother Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father and their teachings that are in my life today. I am also eternally grateful for the many many opportunities they provide in my life to learn and relearn the truths that they have  made possible for me to learn throughout my life on this earth and forever.

4. I am truly grateful for cooking! I know this may be a strange thing to be grateful for but I just love every aspect of cooking and serving others with that cooking:) I also enjoy other forms of service but if I am in need of anything my self or just want to make something better, cooking seem's to do the trick:)

5. I am grateful for music, I pretty much love it all except for a few select few genres:) Just look on my phone and you will see what I mean:)

6. I am excited for my future and whatever may come. The adventures that will happen and the trials I know I will be able to overcome!!! The Blessings that will be a result of all of this and the people that will become a part of my life. Its amazing the blessings that he is so excited to bring to us when we faithfully put our heart and trust completely in him and his will!!!

I love y'all and hope y'all have a great day now:)

Till We Meet Again, Daddy

Today's post is going to be a bit sentimental for me because right now in my life its just a sentimental time. As some of you may or may not know. My father past away of a heart attack 6 years ago on the 4th of July. I always found that a bit strange that it ended up being quite the surprise for me and my family. This particular event happened on a day that my dad cherished himself, quite a bit.
     If there is one thing that I know about my dad, through and through. It was that he loved this country!!! Enough that he served several years of his life in the Army and then served a full time mission for Jesus Christ for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. After serving both faithfully, He found my mom and they were married in the St. George Temple for time and all eternity.
      As a result of challenges my dad grew up with in his life and memories that I'll never know or understand completely. I had to come to terms for my self that he would be the only person to know and understand him and I needed to find this and feel the same confidence within myself now, more than ever.
     My dad would not want me to feel the same struggles and depression that I know he had at different points in his life. He wants me to find happiness and experience the joys of this life that have came from our brother, Jesus Christ's unwavering love and ultimate gift to each of us to always find joy within our obstacles that are also inevitable in this mortal life of ours.
        I Love my Father in Heaven, I also love that he loves me enough to have sent me the best dad I could have had for this mortal life. Somedays, I do ask why he took him away from me at such a young age in my life. However, I always find tender mercies in the journey that I am on now. I know each of us will live and die someday. I know we all will make mistakes in this mortal life of ours and we will go through trials that sometimes we may not understand when we are going through them, I do feel though that god is with us every day and every step of the way.
         Jesus Christ has given us family's here on this earth. They may not be who or what we expect them to be but he has his plan for each of us to bring us each as much Joy as he has and I know that this family of mine would do anything for me as long as I just find the courage to ask. This is the same feeling I have about prayer to Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven every day that I am here. They are our family and they want us to ask them for the things we come to learn are most cherished and most valuable to us in our lives.
            The greatest gift I have ever been given on this earth is the knowledge that families can be forever and this includes Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. He really gives us all the tools we need to obtain this blessing and we are simply asked to follow him through living his commandments. You can take that however you want to because that is your agency to do so. For me though, he has given us the truth through his word and I can feel the blessings this freedom that I have in my life currently and through the sacrifice of my father on earth made in his service in the army but also by living the way I feel uplifted most each day.
           I really believe that because of the agency god has given to each of us that we can have as much happiness as there possibly is. As we make choices, good or bad, wrong or right, we will find the pain or blessings that each choice gives us and lead us to obtain in our lives. He Loves me and He loves each one of his children more than each of us can honestly comprehend. Why You may ask. Because he went through every heartbreak, each physical imperfection we have thoughts about or experience in this life and he did it while he lived his life Sooo perfectly so we could have that joy and have the example that we each need to find joy in our journey.
           I know I'm going all out in this one but its because I have felt the love and the heartache that these truly hard but always simply amazing moments can bring into my own life. I would never want anyone to loose their father like I did but I also know that on July 4th 2008 that Heaven got one of the the best and he is in a better place now where he can learn and grow more the way he needs too. Until we meet again in person dad. I love you and am truly grateful for all the sacrifices you made for me and our family here on this earth so I can have the chance to be me. As I think of the last day I got to spend with you on this earth 6 years ago today, I think of the truly amazing blessings you gave to me in my life and will continue to stay with me always. Here is a song that reminds me of the love you brought into my life dad. I love you!!!!
      
         

   
 

Know Your Worth

This Particular blog post is named after the song that keeps me going in my life right now:) A very good friend sang it to me in the basement of another friends house in high school right before he sang it for me and I believe 15 other ladies in my seminary class the next week and many times afterwords. When he told me it was going to be recorded and I was getting the very first copy of it, I honestly was on cloud 15.  This song gave me peace of mind in my life and an assurance that I am very loved. For the record though... It still does.
         If there is one thing that I always say that I know for a fact in my life it is that god loves me and loves each one of his children the same amount. He wouldn't have atoned for our sins and our heartbreaks if he didn't.  My very sweet relief society pres came to see me yesterday and we both had the privilege of serving in the south on our missions and she said something that I have also said sense my mission. When it rains it pours. Then I remembered one of my favorite activities to do and biggest tender mercies there ever is in my opinion, when its raining I get to go out and jump around in the puddles and dance in it. I then came up with the saying When it rains it Pours, but there is no reason not to go dance in the rain. So now I'm trying to stay positive and think of the tender mercies that I am receiving right now in my life.
          1. I have an amazing family and some of which are here in utah that normally aren't and that is a                      blessing for me right now.
          2. I dare you to find me better friends then I have surrounding me right now!!! Seriously though.
          3. I have an amazing support system within my ward family:)
          4. I have a job!!!!!!!
          5. I have truth about the only true gospel on this earth and I know that.
      This life will have obstacles to overcome and mountains to climb but I do know it is always made possible through the miracles that he is just waiting to give you and me everyday as we put our time in his and know that his way is always the best way.
 

         

The Healing Power of God's Love

In a way I've know my weaknesses sense a very young age. I have just choose to take what comes of it as the easy way out, a lot. Some of my guilty pleasures include pretty much any nicholas sparks movie, chocolate of any kind and a lot of it. I also love to bake, mostly sweets so you could say that this is a weakness as well, for me though I love doing it for others and that has been known as an act of service. I really believe in good and in doing good as well. I dream and imagine of what great deeds I can do everyday but then somehow they just become thoughts and it ends up making me sad because I don't act on those thoughts sometimes. I work hard and I do things that I feel are most important in my life because they help me feel peace and comfort when I am in need of it most. as I was serving my mission in alabama, I felt completely at peace with what I was doing because I knew it was good and was what would make me feel real happiness. I think i have tried to feel that happiness for quite some time now.  We are all on our own unique journey in this crazy life. So why do I fall into the trap of doing things and saying things sometimes when I don't feel they are actually worth my time?
    I know I am my own worst critic in life because I'm the only one who makes those decisions and those choices for me. I had an experience while in Alabama that changed my determination in this life and wish it was still as strong of a feeling in my heart as it was then. I had the privilege to have the most understanding mission president ever. He was genuinely concerned about each one of us and would do everything possible to help each one of us know the power of our choices. He along with my family during this time of my life changed my view on creating the life I know I am ment to live. God Is Good, Always and Forever. I am reminded about this beautiful gift each and every time I am at the temple, Because the house of the lord is a place of true beauty and a house of peace and love. This is why I am eternally grateful for my saviors houses on this earth and the ability to be challenged to always feel that beauty that he has intended for me to feel in this life.
   I am a beautiful daughter of god. Because I feel that truth each day of the life god has blessed me with. I know that he blesses me in my weaknesses and in my trials which happen to be a whole lot of food and doubt creeping into my life at this particular time. So how do I change it. I have learned that doubt and fear are the direct result of satan and his power of creeping into our lives. Misery really does love company and the way to get rid of this is to feel my life with truth and virtuous thoughts and actions. I am striving to find more truth each day of my life and for the most part I know that is what has kept me going in this life. Its been the true love of god shining light when I didn't feel like I had any left.
   I started working out early again this morning with my good friend and it honestly was an awesome feeling. I also attended the beautiful temple tonight and I know that it was exactly what I needed. Now I will go and spend my weekend feeling excited to have each blessing that I have been given in my life. It comes in just an instant and can change the way you think about everything. No matter how hard something seems to be in the moment I truly believe that I can come out of the feeling of despair because god loves me and I just need to believe and act on that belief until I come to know the blessings of it all. I am embarking on a slow and steady change within myself this coming year and I am grateful for the opportunity to do so with the lord by my side. I know he is there and is my ultimate cheerleader and my confidant, he is my best friend and who I turn too everyday to tell everything I am feeling and everything that I need to improve upon in my life.
        I am on a journey that will be the most challenging one to date in my life because I have never taken the time to do so yet, but I also know that with the lord by my side that I will always find happiness as I seek truth and real happiness in my life. Thank you all for being examples of this and for helping me along the journey.

 
   

     

Obtaining my desires through Faith In God

As a warning this post will be a very long one that will probably make no sense to most. If you read through it though, Bless You!!!! As I am sitting here in my institute class simply amazed at the truth that my amazing teacher is teaching to me; I see the best way for me to explain where I am headed in my life with the gifts of the spirit that he is teaching me about is too write it.

     He just challenged each of us to find a level of faith to seek and improve on that I know is obtainable. The moment I saw the third way of faith I knew that's what I needed to work on in my life. It is to become gods instrument through his will. I know it is only possible through sinsear prayer and believing in my self to accomplish hard things in my life. 

     I am currently overweight. This is hard to say to my self let alone to potential readers but without saying this outloud, I won't make the changes that I have a strong desire to chang in one of my current triles in life. Through obtaining knowledge and believing in my mind over matter is the way for me to obtain my very real goal to feel more of the spirit and feel better about myself for me! Not for anyone else but for me. I know this is a sincere desire of my heat today, tomorrow and for as long as it takes to feel that blessing because I know it is truth and I know through god ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!! I love truth and I know god wants me to embody this truth in my life. 

     There are a lot of true desires that I have in my life right now. I know finishing school in 3 more semesters is one of them:)!!! I am taking steps in my life to obtain this goal and yes I also believe this brings speed bumps and hardships along my way on this journey, however I believe everyone of those speed bumps are there for my good and will make me stronger on my journey. I need more faith :) it's that simple!!! I need more faith in god and his love, blessings, knowledge and Truth he has given to me to achieve my goals in this life. I love truth and I believe it is the way to help me reach this goal to loose 85 pounds in the next year of my life and continue to be strong in staying healthy throughout my life:)
     I will be going through a long awaited surgery this summer in my left knee and although this is one of those speed bumps I will have I know it is for my good and will help make me that much stronger in my life. I am greatful for the blessings and talents of others to help me through this speed bump and for the teachings of my best friend and brother who is always there when I need him. I'll keep y'all updated on my journey of feeling healthy again and on my journey along the way as well. Have a blessed day now:)!!!